Best comebacks

[Gutter Monkey]

If you've seen a great comeback and thought it deserved recognition, whack it up here.

(Note: that's off-the-cuff comebacks, not people's standard comebacks which they're gonna want to use again.)

I was at The Local on Monday and Damian Callinan was emceeing. A woman walked in off the street (the door was way up the back of the room and behind everyone) and Damian started laying into her, picking on her clothes. Then he asked her if she was there for the comedy and without missing a beat she replied "Is there any?"

Got the biggest laugh of the night.

[unfrufru]

one i saw was a few months back at the comedy store. wil was doing his usual joke about ross noble (about some guy asking ross why he was so fat and ross replied "cause every time i fuck your mum she gives me a biscuit")and a few minutes later a guys phone rings and wil starts in on him and asks him who it is. and without skipping a beat this guy goes "it's your mum she wants to know what biscuits i like")

hehe

[Leishpod]

ahh.. that's gold.

I'm trying to think of some but am drawing a blank thus far.

[Playm8]

Sorry to break it to you, but the fantastic Ross Noble quip was originally a cricket sledge with Eddo Brandes getting his revenge on Glenn McGrath in Zimbabwe. After Brandes played & missed at a McGrath delivery, the Aussie bowler politely enquired: "Oi, Brandes, why are you so fat?" Brandes replied "Cos every time I f**k your wife she gives me a biscuit."
and speaking of great (cricketing) comebacks:

Daryll Cullinan & Shane Warne:
As Cullinan was on his way to the wicket, Warne told him he had been
waiting 2 years for another chance to humiliate him. "Looks like you
spent it eating," Cullinan replied.

and it's not a comeback, but

Rod Marsh & Ian Botham:
When Botham took guard in an Ashes match, Marsh welcomed him to the
wicket with the immortal words: "So how's your wife & my kids?"

[CharlieP]

I wasn't there for this one, but the story was told to me by others...

Daniel Kitson was doing a showcase in Edinburgh in the first year he hit it really bif there. He was the last person on. He walked out and the first thing he saw was a guy in the front row wearing sunglasses. Naturally Daniel wnt him.
"Why are you wearing glasses indoors. Is it because you're so cool?"

The guy held a cane and said, "No it's because I'm blind".

A hush came over the crowd, all sharing the thought 'how do you come back from there?". Every comic in the room winced with fear and grabbed their teeth. Surely he was screwed.

Without missing a beat, Daniel replied:
"Beggers the question, why sit in the front row then you selfish c*nt"

Crowd goes wild. Kitson is king.

[Nick]

This one was going to mentioned, but the person will remain nameless.

During one of Tripods renditions of Ghost ship when they got to the line "Where's a womens ghost ship" the person replyed
"I'll show you!"
This resulted in Scod fainting and Gatesy getting jelaous because they were in his section on on his "team"

[unfrufru]

there's also the mcdermott heckle

Mcdermott: why did i sing a song just then
Person from the audience who may or may not be me: cause you always ruin it by fucking singing

[Spawn of Satan]

this one I witnessed last week. steff torak was up on stage with judas falling. He finished his drink, so this drunk guy came up to the stage with a jug of beer to refil steffs glass, steff said it was a crap pour, theres too much head, and the drunk replied; I thought you liked a good head.

[pixieDAAS]

one of mine:

Workmate: (singing "Total Eclipse of the heart) once upon a time i was falling in love/now i'm only falling apart
Me: well if so, do you mind doing it elsewhere?

whole lunchroom cracks up

workmate: i've had that song stuck inmy head all morning

[Renee_Turner]

Comedian comeback to heckler:

"Listen mate, if you were that important, all the chairs would be facing you".

"I'm not quite sure how to deal with you, I'm not a proctologist"

I know they're not all that great, but the comedian in question was doing their first gig, so the crowd appreciated that they could come back at all.