Paul McDermott Articles/Reviews

[wannabepixies]

OK i go the mag, and the white thing covering the females torso ended up to be a batter of some kind...its weird. Anyway, thought id type the artical up for those who didnt get it, its all about censorship. Sorry if there is any mistakes or anything.
Enjoy :)


Talking censorship with: Paul McDermott
Most people may remember Paul McDermott as the ‘mean’ one from Doug Anthony All Stars comedy trio that he fronted for eight years, along co-stars Richard Fidler and Tim Ferguson. More recently, Paul presented the always topical, always hard-hitting and deliciously funny Good News Week, with Julie McCrossin and Mikey Robins.

But Paul is also a writer, performer, director, dancer and singer, an artist whose work crosses many media boundaries as he strives to entertain in a manner that is both confronting and thought-provoking.

Paul McDermott recently made time to talk some censorship issues with regular Eros writer, Yolanda Corduff.

Q. When did you first become aware of the existence of censorship?
Coming from a strong Catholic family, I became aware, from an early age, that certain things were taboo with regard to religious matters and so on. I was aware that things weren’t quite right with the flow of information *and, by the time I was in first form, I was also aware that there was something ludicrously wrong with the Catholic Church. I went to an all-male Catholic school where the school was telling me one thing while, in the world around, you could see other things, other people, and other situations. After a while, I started to realise that things weren’t equating.

Q. What did you think of the idea of censorship when you first became aware of it?
I became more conscious of censorship in my early teens and I found it quite restrictive. I had read books of religious text against censorship and other books I could pick up in the Canberra bookstore, in the bargain basement, that talked about thing like censorship and government.

Q. Did you think any of this censorship was a good idea?
I don’t really respect censorship very much but I do think that society functions on certain levels and to maintain this functionality, I suppose, restrictions are made. It’s the extent of those restrictions that I find interesting. I think when they invade someone’s personal space, or personal decisions, that’s when you brush up against it and it causes some irritation.

Q. As an artist, have you ever had any of your work censored and how did you feel about it?
Certainly, there have been attempts made over the years to suggest different approaches with regard to an idea or thought but, on the whole, nothings been censored. You set your own parameters on occasion, which you work within depending on the medium your using, be it TV, radio, or whatever. I’m involved in comedy and it’s considered a distraction in a number of ways, even though some of the things you examine can be quite valid. I’ve come up against problems at times but the reason I do what I do is because it allows me great freedom to express what I want to express. If that freedom wasn’t there then I wouldn’t work within the fields that I’ve been working in. Certainly there are networks or stations or people who would limit the way I express myself so I tend not to work for those people or organizations.

Q. So, lets clear this up for the readers, are you a Satanist?
No, I’m not a Satanist, but I like to keep an open mind.

Q. Much of your comedy and performances have been very cutting edge and controversial. Did you ever set our to push the envelope by challenging the current standards of ‘good taste’?
No, the only thing I’ve ever sort to do is express myself in the most immediate and most available means at my disposal. I don’t think there was ever any attempt, even in DAAS days, to push the envelope. In fact, I was shocked by the way people reacted to us on occasion with comments about how we should have been muzzled or censored or taken off the ABC or not be allowed to perform. Overseas there were sometimes problems. I remember we were unable to do a show one time because the archbishop of somewhere thought our show was satanic. Ridiculous stuff like that. We were doing a show that focused on religious attitudes and ideas in a sort of derogatory way, pointing out some comical aspects of fate but things like that have certainly happened over the years.

Q. As a society, do you think we’re made stronger or weaker by the level of censorship practiced within our media?
There are so many different types of censorship, like the censorship of things that have happened in East Timor for many, many years or the type of thing that’s happened with Maralinga, where government agencies don’t allow free access to material of this nature, which I think is despicable. Its interesting how we function as a society with these various levels of censorship of things like sexuality or violence.
I think violence is something to be aware of but, at the same time, I find it’s a difficult thing to legislate or say what incites violence. I mean there are so many discussion papers around and groups saying that certain films encourage this or that mode of aggression. It happens every year, criticism of Quentin Tarrentino, and, before that, Anthony Burgess (author of A Clockwork Orange) and before that there were books. And before that I’m sure there were cave paintings that people thought incited violence! There’s always going to be someone else that a lot of people blame but I think the essential aspect of that is education and finding out the causes of violence rather then trying to pin it on some sort of artistic expression.
As far as censorship of sexuality, you get in to very grey areas because everything comes down to a matter of personal taste. If the moral majority doesn’t have that taste, or maybe its latent and they’ll all turn in to bondage mistresses and dungeon masters. You’re always going to come up against the attitude of the moral majority in those instances and that makes it particularly difficult, especially when you get people in parliament who then take it up on their hobby horse. Certainly in the past, some of the staunchest advocates for reform on certain issues have often turned out to be the purveyors of those services, both here and abroad.

Q. In a cosmopolitan country like Australia, its very likely that some material will always offend some people. What kind of material do you find offensive and why?
I think material that is against the wishes of people involved or the people involved are not of age where they can make an informed decision. I find that sort of thing morally incorrect. Most other things…well everything’s got a place, no matter how nasty or fun your mind gets, somebody’s already done it and they’re most likely doing it right now. I don’t think that’s anything you can legislate against. Anything you want to do, you should be able to do, as long as don’t injure or take someone beyond the parameters of what they expect or want to experience.

Q. Is it realistic for our community to strive for a level of censorship where no one is ever offended and, even if this were possibly, do you think it would be a good idea?
No, it’s like notions of perfection or happiness or whatever. The world has to function on various levels. It wouldn’t be a fun world if everyone was always happy. I think you need the contrast. There is a certain aspect of pleasure to be drawn from activates that are not in the mainstream, that are outside of that world. If everyone was accepting of all the different means of expression, what would that actually say about those means of expression?

Q. Do you believe that its important to stand up for things that are offensive in order to protect everyone’s access to freedom of expression?
I cant see how you could argue for all the forms of offensive material because there are some things that are clearly beyond being acceptable. For example things like female circumcision are so offensive, I cant see how you could justify things like that on any level.

Q. Do you think politicians should interfere with censorship processes, particularly when they’re the ones who set up the so-called independent censorship bodies that they so often interfere with later? *
No! If the government appoints certain people, or sets up organisation, to be the censorship board or to control the flow of material of this society, then they (politicians) have no right, once those censors have made a decision, to interfere with that decision. The censors are government appointed employees and they’re there for a purpose. If politicians are going to leap on top of the censors to say they’ve made a mistake, then why put control in those people’s hands in the first place.

Q. Australia’s OFLC prides itself on representing community values in their decisions. Do you think its possible for a small group of people to be representative of the various community values of a country with more then 18 million people?
A censorship group, or board, can adequately reflect contemporary society’s attitudes but I think it will always be slightly behind the times or rightwing. They often pander to a mentality that’s probably more geriatric just because those who appoint them frequently have attitudes or ideas formed by the previous generations and then tend to appoint people who agree with the attitudes they profess. So I think you’re always going to have a society slightly strangled by the censors and censorship boards but I think that’s part of the inevitability of society. I don’t think any of society can ever really overcome that so fringe groups are always annoyed and upset and have trouble expressing themselves. But I do believe that, at the same time, we do live in a time of extraordinary freedom and it’s growing because it’s obvious that it has to, it can’t be stopped with all the new technologies.

q. Have concerns over censorship ever affected your creativity or made you question the suitability of material you’ve created?
I think you’ve got to be true to your own form and if you have to compromise, and your not happy about that, then don’t do the work. Have I ever come up against people or organisations that have wanted to censor me? Well of course, in all different ways. If you don’t want those people to have any power, then you’ve got to find a different way to do what your doing or a different funding body. If people are going to say you cant have this then don’t accept money from those people. All you can do is stay true to yourself and if your not making what you want then the only person you can blame is yourself. You can’t complain after the fact that you were censored.

Q. Does the live-to-air aspect of your performances ever effect what you decide to say?
Not really. You always practice a form of self-censorship with regards to swearing or derogatory comments. You have your own belief system and moral and ethical base and you try not o deviate from that. I find that if I deviate from it and say something I find offensive and reprehensible then I feel bad about it for quite some time. At the same time, I have no idea how other people are going to react to what I have to say in any medium. The audience has their own criteria and reasons for reacting the way they do. To some extent, I think ‘who cares what people think’. Look at something like the Bible, which essentially, in parts of it, is a very beautiful text. People censor the Bible, they take parts of it they want to take, they interpret it in ways they want to interpret it, they take passages that are full of love and make them in to these damning indictments of different cultures or different peoples. Even with the best intentions in the world, anything that comes out of your mouth, from your pen or from your thoughts, once it’s out in the public arena, can be torn apart, changed, modified and misinterpreted in any number of ways. And there’s nothing you can do to stop that so why be preoccupied thinking about what’s going to happen before the fact? You’ve just got to do what you do, in its truest form, and once it gets out there, let the dogs attack it. I don’t think I ever think ‘I better not say this or that’. Once again, I do have a very strong ethical and moral base that I work from and whether people think that’s to far to the left or the right or not centered or mad or whatever, it doesn’t matter because that’s where my base is. You live by your own code and that’s always the best you can hope to achieve. If you begin to break down then you have a problem.

Q. Where do you think Australia is heading with regard to classification and censorship?
I think we’ve gone through a stage, like the rest of the world did, of post-70’s malaise with the advent of political-correctness, which isn’t necessarily a bad thing. Once again, modifying language so it’s more inclusive of different genders or peoples and so forth, isn’t a bad thing. The way that certain sections of society grabbed hold of that and it just got to ridiculous extremes in the States where there’s legislations at various university campuses about heaving patting and kissing people. Even primary school students were getting in to trouble for sexual harassment. But you cant stop the badness of society, taking something that essentially a good thing somewhere really stupid, which happens all the time. I do think we’ve come out of a period of greater freedom and enlightenment but I don’t think it will ever be a perfect environment. However, we have to continue to safeguard freedom of expression. Everyone wants to limit someone else when they get in to a position of power, we’re just talking about maintaining status quo and essentially that’s what this whole thing is about.

[wannabepixies]

yeah i think everyone has seen them before, one was just an old GNW one, where hes sticking his fingers up, its quite small and in a row of about...4 i think, then i think the other is from the access comedy website, hes sort of standing there peering in from the left, but theyre all black and white. *and the crown pic, its really crap quality, its all jinked but i dont mind,
Yeah that was the whole article, um...if you want i can try to kick the scanner in to working...but its buggered i think the lightening storm did it. but yeah, its funny on the opposite page is a picture of stuffed pink toys in bondage. its almost suiting *g*
lol, it wasnt that bad buying it....mainly cos i got my mum to. But the lady at the counter saw me handing over the money as we searched for in it in the isles of porn, i avoided the creepy man. And im all happy now.

[pj]

incase no one knows this or coulden't be bothered typing this up i thought i might.:)

From Barbs to Verse.
A well-rested Paul McDermott tells Michelle Hurley of his rekindles passion forwriting and drawing.

It has been almost exactly a year since an exhausted and irritable Paul McDermott disappeared along with the axing of his long running show, Good News Week.
We haven't seen or heard much from him,apart from a few stand up gigs in regional centres with old mates Flacco and the Sandman. For the most part , it has been a strangely quiet year from one of tevevision's loudest and most hyper-active personalities.

So what has he been doing? In his own words, nothing much. McDermott , burnt out after five years of non-stop television and performing, retreated to his home.

"I just sat there and looked out the window. I felt like i hadn't actually lived in a house for a long time--I was always going to work and i'd come home and just crash and then get up in the morning again. I hadn't actually felt, like, a centre or...I knows that's a facial sort of thing," he says, rolling his eyes slightly.

Apart from looking out the window, McDermott's still managed to have a fairly productive year. He's started his own publishing company and the first book to roll off the press was his own work, The Scree. An illustrated book of verse packaged in a premium hardback, it is being described as a book for all ages, though you probably woulden't read it to your three-year old unless they like having nightmares.

The book-- a macabre tale of five friends who find themselves shipwrrecked on an island inhabited by a chilling, murderous monster, the Scree-- brings together McDermott's long-held passion for both writing and drawing, something he has done since his days at art college. "I do these things for myself--children's books or stories, drawings, artists' limited-edition books-- one-offs basically," McDermott says.

'I've made lost of them over the years, probably hundreds of them, but i very rarely show them to people. They're normally more esoteric and more individualistic than say, The Scree, but this was the first one that i'd done to print and sell. The other things are more personal. This is a little bit for other people."

The Scree also received funding from the NSW Film and Tevevision Office to be developed into a short film at the end of last year (McDermott had finished writing The Scree by the end of 1999). So along with cinematographer Justine Kerrigan, he's been working on the adaptation.

"We're still in the process of editing it now; it's a very laborious process, though not an unpleasant one. i've had a good time doing it". McDermott says.

Musing on the publication of The Scree, he says it's quite a different direction from what people would expect of him. Although he's always drawn and designed-- when he was in the Doug Anthony All Stars he painted all the props and backgrounds and did the costuming-- it hasn't been something he has pushed publicly.

"It never left me-- writing and drawing-- but it's just not something i decided to share with people before. I suppose it has just come to a point where i thought, it's another aspect of what i do and i've got an opportunity now to do it in the way i want to do it".

The way McDermott wants to do it is to publish his books without compromising or cutting corners with the production values. Which is, he admits, very expensive, but working in television for the past five years has given him the fiancial wherewithal to afford it.

He hopes to publish more of his work with the next one in line called The Girl who Swallowed Bees. "it's a corker, it's lovely that one, very sweet," he smirks. There are also six poems and seven or eight stories that he's like to bring out in the same format. Also on the adenda is publishing other works. "If i can keep this going and find a small market for it then i'd be happy. Artists books have been popular for centuries; it's just a very niche market. it's also important for artists to have their work in book form."

In the meantime he's more than happy to continue with writing and illustrating and the odd bit of stand up. Does returning to television tempt him? "i'd certainlh be interested, i've had a year off now so i sort of feel a bit more like going back into that world," McDermott says.

"It can be very silly and brutal and dark and a lot of work for very little gain. But certainly, i've got several ideas for next year. Whether i actually go through with them... it's a bit like getting back in the car crash".

The Scree, by paul mcdermott cannibal books &#3629.95.

[Boof]

here's the article:

Members of the Brisbane Hilton's AM Club copped their Christmas funny-bone bonus when stand-up smarties Paul McDermott and Mikey Robins lobbed in for lunch in the pub's grand ballroom.  Oz-famous as the frontbenchers of telly's Good News Week, these two glib turkeys take the mickey out of everything that moves, speaks or grooves.

In person at the Hilton, they were loud, risque and rollicking, like someone had just squirted a salvo of rocket fuel into their brains.  All this at lunch!  You'd better believe it!

Plonked at the ballroom's famous oval tables, their fans were all but gurgling into their plates of grilled salmon.  No need for Santa cheer in goblets here, people, it all came out of the mouths of Paul and Mikey!

Naturally enough, the poor AM members who thought they were there to listen to intelligent repartee looked a bit nonplussed.  But hey!  This is the time of the year when anything goes.  In this case, it went with a big bang, even though the taste was mostely in the salmon.

and the piccy...
is coming  :)   i'm trying people i really am.....


boof :jester:

[Arpa]

Good news book
Michelle Hurley

It has been a year since an exhausted Paul McDermott disappeared from our television screens, following the axing of his axed long-running show, Good News Week. McDermott, burnt out after five years of non-stop television and performing, retreated to his home. I just sat there and looked out the window. *I felt like I hadn't actually lived in a house for a long time. *I was always going to work and I'd come home and just crash.
I hadn't actually felt, like, a centre
McDermott still managed to have a fairly productive year. *He's started his own publishing company, Cannibal Books, with the first book to roll off the press a work of his own called The Screean illustrated book of verse.
The Scree brings together McDermott's long-held passion for both writing and drawing, something he has done since his days at art college. *A macabre tale of five friends who are shipwrecked on an island inhabited by a murderous monster, the Scree, it is just one of the many books of illustrated verse that McDermott has created over the years.
"I do these things for myself - children's books or stories, drawings, artists' limited edition books - one-offs basically. *I've made lots of them over the years, probably hundreds of the, but I very rarely show them to people.
"They're normally more esoteric ans more individualistic than The Scree. The Scree also received funding from the NSW Film and Television Office at the end of last year to develop it into a short film.
So, along with cinematographer Justine Kerrigan, he's been working on the adaptaion. *McDermott says it's a quite different direction from what people would expect of him. *Although he has always drawn and designed - when he was in the Doug Anthony Allstars he painted all the props and backgrounds and did the costuming - they haven't been talents he has pushed publicly.
"It never left me, writing and drawing, but it's just not something I decided to share with people before. *I suppose it has just come to a point where I thought, it's another aspect of what I do and I've got an opportunity now to do it in the way I want to
He hopes to publish more of his work with the next book in line called The Girl Who Swallowed Bees
It's a corker, it's lovely that one, very sweet he smirks.
Also on the agenda is publishing other works. If I can keep this going and find a small market for it then I'd be happy. *Artists' books have been popular for centuries; it's just a very niche market

[Shivagoddess]

[quote:post_uid0][b:post_uid0]from Suzie G posted at 10:21 pm on Dec. 16, 2001[/b:post_uid0]

Hi My name is Suzie G, I run www.SuzieG.com a website dedicated to Brisbane's social events. I took some pix *at the AM luncheon at the Hilton and a few at Pauls book launch at the ABC shop. I have also sent a pic off to New Weekly local scene section. So to see my pix go to www.suzieg.com and follow the links!

xoxo

Suzie G
[/quote:post_uid0]

you know that mother and son pic is that paul real mum...nar is cant be its just some poor old lady that he is harasing

[Ames]

Hi Suzi, you probably dont remember me but I was 'one' of the many people you took photo's off. I was with my friend and you came up and said something about "Midrift tops" lol.

But I checked out your site, its awesome!!

[wannabepixies]

K, done, as said this is from New Woman. Enjoy :)

BIG MAC
Everybody’s favourite smart arse, Paul McDermott, takes New Woman’s, um, New Man test…
There’s something very attractive about comedian Paul McDermott. Maybe it’s the ‘angry bloke’ thing he’s got going on or maybe it’s his cheekiness. Maybe it’s the singing, the quick wit or just because he’s actually quite cute. Whatever it is, there’s more reason then ever to find him attractive right now. After spending his time as one-third of the Doug Anthony All Stars, then moving on to Good News Week and Triple J, these days he’s tackling writing and illustrating with his new book The Scree and touring live shows with Mikey, Sandman and a host of other friends in a comedy and music extravaganza called The Rat Pack. Then there’s the short film, the movie and the TV shows he cant tell us about yet. This boy must be one helluva workaholic! So we decided to test him out – is he a New Man or an old showbiz ham? Only our intense, ahem, probing will find out…

You keep your private life a bit under wraps. Do you do that deliberately?
Yes, I don’t think its all for public consumption. I suppose I’m a fairly private person – I don’t think I could get &#3610 000 for putting their baby on the cover of a magazine, or selling their story. Though that being said if there was ever an opportunity…

Please call?
Yeah, please! No, I hate reading about myself and I feel it would be wrong. Its hard enough as an individual, but then you have family, friends, partners and its a lot of pressure for them, too. I’ve always made conscious decision not to talk about my life, my family or whatever.

So you’re not the kind of celeb who goes to the opening of an envelope, then? Don’t you like sashaying up the red carpet?
I avoid the red carpet. I used to take the back entrance a lot! I can’t do the pose, you see. It’s the three-quarter profile that I can’t do at all. I look shambolic and dumb, stare at my feet and look stupid. I haven’t had to do it enough really, so I find it strange. The photographers are shouting my name and all I think is: ‘Oh my god, they’ve noticed I’m wearing different coloured socks!’

You’ve got a reputation for always being angry…
I don’t think I’m always angry.

How do you feel today then, Paul?
I’ve been moderately depressed and a bit moody. Yesterday I was angry when I locked myself out of the house in my skimpy bathers – in my lolly bags! – on the back porch.

OK, so what makes you happy?
Well, apart from the obvious, its when I’m painting. I don’t get enough time to do it and I regret that. I love the feeling of getting lost in something for hours, and then three or four hours later not noticing time has passed – not noticing you haven’t eaten or had anything to drink, just that total loss of physical dimension while your in to it. I’m obsessive about it. Actually, I’m just making that up ‘cause it sounds good…the ladies love it.

You seem to be doing a lot of writing, too – TV, movies, a book. Are you chained to your PC?
No, not really. I would actually like to not have to work ever again! So if anyone out there wants to give me some money just for being me, that’s what id really like. A benefactor to shine their light on me. So I plead with New Women everywhere: look after me and give me money! But in he meantime, it has been an odd year. I’ve had a lot of time off and I’ve enjoyed that, but I’ve got to start work again. I was exhausted at the end of Good News Week and so I had to do something different, so that’s why I started doing the book. I’d always wanted to do that.

The Scree is a weird book. It’s like a dark fairytale for grown-ups. Is it for kids or adults?
I was writing it for me, essentially. When I was a kid, the books I used to love were Grimm’s Fairly Tales, Roald Dahl and stuff like that – nonsense poems, bizarre stories. I think so many fairytales have been sanatised these days there’s no horror in them anymore, and that’s was the fun part or growing up – it gave me an imagination. I think there’s a place for darker or menacing stories. I didn’t have any age in mind when I was doing it; I just wanted to emulate that style of imagery and word play.

What actually is the Scree? (Typist note: warning if you haven’t read it then you might not want to read this paragraph…like me who accidentally did and I don’t know if it really does ruin it or not.)
I like the idea of mythical monsters and the thing with the Scree is that you never see it – oh God, I just gave the ending away! It’s more to do with fear, I suppose. That idea of the unseen or just fear its self.

So, Paul, are you a New Man?
Oh, I don’t know. I think the whole SNAG thing is a bit old hat. If you follow astrology, we’re in the age of Aquarius, and it’s the time of a woman. Women are doing some great shit at the moment because they’re finally out form under the patriarchal thumb – I suppose thanks to all those great crusading women from the ‘70s and earlier, the suffragettes. You’re smarter then us, you’re better at learning…and you have a much higher pain threshold [evil laugh].

If you were on Survivor, what would be your one luxury item?
Oh, come on, ask a good question!

That is a good question!
Oh, OK. Um, I’d take a gun! It would be a short series: ‘You ate the beans’, bang! I suppose given that I’ve just done this book, I should say my mapping pen and bottle of ink. But I’ve got a love/hate relationship with my pen and ink.

If you had a choice of being Bert Newton, Ray Martin or Kerri-Anne Kennerley, who would you be?
I’d be Bert. Anyone who had any soul would be Bert. I mean, I love Kerri and I love Ray but Bert rocks! He’s so funny. Have you every interviewed Bert? No? You’ve got to do Bert…

Hmmm, maybe later. nw

[Dragonfly Lady]

It has been almost a year since an exchusted and irritable Paul McDermott disappeared from out television screens, along with his long-running show Good News Week.
For the most part, it has been a strangely quiet year for one of television's loudest and most hyperactive personalities.
So what has he been doing? in his own words, nothing much. Burnt out after five years of non-stop tevelision and performing McDermott retreated to his home.
He's started a publishing company and the first release is his work, The Scree.
The book - a macabre tale of five friends who find themselves shipwrecked on an island inhabated by a monster, brings McDermott's long-held passions for both writing and drawing.


---
Someone else can post the picture

[Ames]

[quote:post_uid0="Guest on Dec. 23 2001 at 22:56"]*giggles* well, you know what they say about men with large hands... [/quote:post_uid0]
Yeah.......big feet!!

[Scarlett]

[quote:post_uid0="Ames on Dec. 23 2001 at 23:48"][quote:post_uid0="Guest on Dec. 23 2001 at 22:56"]*giggles* well, you know what they say about men with large hands... [/quote:post_uid0]
Yeah.......big feet!![/quote:post_uid0]
*laughs*....I thought you were going to say something else then Ames *laughs more*

[DMG]

Okay here goes. *I had to go to the trouble of scanning, uploading and posting, just cause it's so darn cute *

[img:post_uid0]http://melbfcdemons.homestead.com/files/paulmx.jpg[/img:post_uid0]

[quiescence]

if he had have been on the top of a building I would have said a fine impersonation of Spider Man ....

[pj]

Here is the full article.

In a fictional account of God's christmas message, Paul McDermott offers the inside story on the day TV interviewer Jessica Richmond Rowe is given the assignment to interview him upstairs and finds that old habits are hard to break.....




Boy to the World.
When i arive, my gust is already seated. I'm instantly suspicious of anyone in sandals and a draw-string trousers but he carries it well. He has a faraway look in his eyes, like this is the last thing he wants to do.

He nods in my direction and without looking up says: ' You're late". He adds with a wink: "But no worry, we've got all the time in the world."

hes smaller than i imagined, with large hands and the most wonderful smile. Under the warmth of that smile, i can feel the atheist in me melt away. I notice he's not wearing a watch.

There's a lot of expectation. I tell him. Is it harder the second time around? "Well, it was never going to be like the old days. Upstairs is run by committees now and everyone has an equal voice. It takes an eternity to get anything done.

"That's why even getting to this point has taken so long. The first major obstacle was the three wise men".

Why?

"Because the Committe for the Reform of Bibical Stereotypes and Equality in the Gosphels-- I abbreviated it The Sisters BS--wanted a chick to be represented.

"Years pass and we pick this brilliand 3rd year anthropologist at Yale. Her MENSA score was off the page and she was beautiful. Too beautiful, apparently. The committe decided they'd prefer to have two ugly sisters and make the story a fairytale rather than a wise womand who's a bit of a dish. So in the end we settled on Madeleine Albright and (pauses)... Bronwyn Bishop."

Your're joking?

"is the Pope a poet? Of course 'im joking-- well, about Bronwyn, anyway (broad smile). So we have two wise woman and one wise man and, i'll tell you what, if he had any brains he'd be out of there, right? Everyone seems happy and just as we're about to sign off on the deal, up comes this corker."

Another argument?

"If there were wise men back then, why can't there be three wise women now? i made some joke--bit flippand admittedly-- and all hell broke loose. Well, it would woulden't it, a woman scorned-- and not just one. The Daughters of Ezra--the Joan of Arc of his day, if you know what i mean--from a breakaway faction from the third sub-committee saying they'd lost faith in me, you know, and my goat hasn't been got for quite some time.

"so i said: 'Go on, pray to her, but you knwo she never answers.' And they said:' Why not?' And i said 'cos she's always out dancin..' Didn't go down well. In reguards to women particularly the mother of... OK. I'm big enough to admit there were mistakes. The virgin birth and the platypus--big mistakes. Apparently the whole virgin birth thing marginalised women, divorced them from their sexuality."

And the platypus?

"i'd just run out of ideas,"
Where is the birth going to be?
"The drop zone--well, we are keeping it under wraps. We did have a great place. Had a look myself and, if i do say so , it was divinely inspired. Kabul-- can you believe it? Afghanistan, we were originally thinking Afghanistan. The plase was perfect--years of conflice, imposed rule and the stables! it was like nothing hadn changed. The look, the feel, the smell-- it took me back. but that all blew up in our face. I"ll let you guess who was behind that."

Can you give a hint where it will be now?

"somewhere nere Newcastle. But Joseph has been a bugger to find. The GST has wiped out so many small businesses and we n eeded someone in the trades who wasn't going to rush out and get a blood-test check and see if he was paternal. Our original Mary was great but she did so well in the final auditions of Popstars that she wants to pursue a solo career. The wise-people (as we had to call them in the end) refused to travel by camel so i gave them my Ansett frequent flyeres losers.

"We'd stopped the voices-in-the-head stuff because people were getting freaked out by it. Instead we kept in contact using One.Tel. Idiot.

"And the final straw was that the stable was being built by carpenters underwritten by HIH. Stupid.

"After all those bad investments, we coulden't afford a big star to guide everyone so we just got someone from big Brother. Its been a hell of a year."

Did you think at any time you were going to loose it?
"rain down pestilence? Build an ark? Plague of frogs? No, i'm over that years ago. I admit, i had some real ander issues--but with help, family and friends and the advent of psychotherapy. I think i've got it under control."

Well you wouldent' be human if you dident' feel like that from time to time.
"No"
What happens now?

"its up in the air. I washed my hands of it. Got too much. Just naming the little tyke was and ordeal. He hasn't evern been conceived yet and i mean, Jesus, sometimes it wears you down. Ricky and Martin were the two strongest contenders, i just thank myself we dident try this when ABBA were popular. He'd be Bjorn. And yeah, I know --Bjorn again"

Finally , what do people think of Santa?
"Satan? Whwere?" (shifts uneasily and looks over his left shoulder.)

"oh Santa. i'm quite jealous of Santa."
The inverview over. God thanks me and rises from the table. I watch him leave, noting he has a very strange way of walking. As if he's not used to his feel touching the ground. i'ts almost comical. I guess its true what they say.

[cyborgsnail]

jesus that's a weird article. Guess it does reflect Paul's personality fairly well though. Merry Xmas everyone and remember don't drink Drive because it's a laundry detergent.